In this Kṛṣṇa consciousness movement there are four basic regulative principles, forbidding illicit sex, meat-eating, gambling and intoxication. A devotee must be very enthusiastic about following these principles
- Nectar of Instruction 3, Purport
One of the regulative principles is - no illicit relationship and now I realize that I have been breaking it all these years.
The grihastha manual very clearly instructs how a husband/wife must behave with other women/men. The manual says;
"In everyday life grihastha men have to deal with women and vice versa. It is very important that the sanctity of ashram is preserved nicely."
Then it suggests how one must preserve the sanctity of the Ashram. It says;
"It is good to be aware well that grihastha ashram is not a licence to deal freely with men and women. Talking to other men or women should be need based, preferably in presence of one’s husband or wife. Services that involve too much interaction with men or women should be done through one's husband or wife. Frivolous behavior and or talk or attempts to attract attention e.g. giggling, laughing loudly etc., should be avoided ..."
When a person realizes that his or her spouse is cheating, he/she is completely devastated. When a person marries, he/she subconsciously feels a right, authority, ownership over the spouse. This is natural. But when a wife finds her husband is spending time with another woman, laughing foolishly at dumb jokes, ignores her presence, ignores her calls and messages ..... she feels unbearable pain. It becomes extremely painful to watch the same person who used to laugh at my jokes, a few years back, is now getting some intimate association with a stranger. The same happens with a husband who witnesses his wife spending hours and hours with another man. This is extremely extremely painful. The more innocent the love is, the deeper the pain gets.
Now, generally, a victim would choose to react in 5 ways
1. Take steps to harm both the spouse and the person.
2. Fight to reclaim his or her authority over the spouse.
3. File divorce
4. Commit Suicide
5. Withdraw oneself and become a silent witness to the act.
Amongst all these categories, 5th is the symptom of extreme love and intelligence. Intelligence, because one understands love cannot be forced upon someone, one has to feel it. If my spouse is finding someone else more attractive than me, I cannot do anything but to wait for his or her love for me to reawaken naturally. That day he or she will definitely walk back to me. Until that happens I cannot force - legally, illegally, or emotionally.
It is revealed in the scriptures that the only Purusha (enjoyer) in this creation is Krishna and every other living entity is Prakriti (enjoyed). Hence each one of the billion living entities is legally wedded wife of Krishna. Even I am one of His wives.
There was a time when I was with my eternal Husband at our eternal abode. I used to laugh with Him, dance with Him, sing for Him, cook for Him, dress for Him, He was the center of all activities in my life. I was actually living the life of Kirtaniya Sada Hari.
Everything was going great until I met this personality.
This personality came as a decent innocent friend (just a friend or safer like a brother or a sister). With a sweet jovial nature, I was gradually drawn away from Krishna. The personality used to make me laugh used to praise me, glorify me, sing for me, give me prasad, give me gifts. I was made to realize I am important. I relished the feeling of being served, pampered, and appreciated. Unknowingly I was trying to become the enjoyer, gradually becoming envious of Krishna, My own Husband, my eternal love.
Yes, I was still serving Krishna, but only externally, as I wasn't able to find time to talk with Krishna, for my mind was filled with the thoughts of this new personality. I was now becoming the center of my life. I started giving myself more attention than before. A day came when the madness made me shameless and I finally parted with my Husband Krishna. I rejected Krishna, left our home and came here with this personality with a hope to enjoy.
Krishna, as mentioned in the Scriptures, is harder than the thunderbolt but is extremely soft at heart. He is the 5th category husband. He withdrew Himself and went silent. But he is silently witnessing my shameful relation with this personality. Ironically, during all the hard times I pray to Krishna for protection and He does protect me - every single time. He is the possessor of All Knowledge and Wisdom, still, how can He be so impractical. Or is it His innocent faith that I will one day return back to Him? However, I still continue my life without Him. Scripture like Muṇḍaka Upaniṣad and Śvetāśvatara Upaniṣad says the Jivatma and Paramtama are like two birds on the same branch. The jivatma is busy eating and enjoying the fruits while the paramatma (Krishna) is silently witnessing and eagerly waiting for the Jiva to leave the fruits and look back at It.
Being abused and exploited again and again here, I am now able to understand the mistake I have made. I now realize how I have been cheating "my Spouse", every moment. By the grace of His devotees, I am now realizing the pain I have been causing to Krishna.
I realize that I am one of the Queens of the emperor of the world - Jagannath but currently living a life of a prostitute in this brothel - the material world. But I am still not able to give away the desire to enjoy in the company of this personality. I am like that drug addict who knows everything yet cannot give away the companion of the drug dealer.
I am trapped in a world millions of miles away from my real home, away from my loving Husband. I want to return back, but, maybe the desire to go back isn't stronger than to taste another dose of the drug.
I am trying to re-establish my relationship with my Husband. Srila Prabhupada said chanting Hare Krishna Mahamantra is like the radio signal by which we can communicate with Krishna. As I chant, I dial His number, but soon this personality allure my attention away. Krishna keeps waiting to hear me while I listen to this personality captivated. I ignore The Love of My Life, Krishna, for this conman.
Krishna keeps waiting to hear me call upon His name, once again with the same emotion and attention, as I used to. But I can't. I know for certain if I once call upon Krishna with all my sincere heart, He will break in and rescue me from this fort. But I am not able to call Him. Having lost my chastity, my heart is polluted. I beg forgiveness from Him a million times.
This personality, who comes disguised as my ego or at times as my mind, my relative, my friends, or at times even inanimate objects; is a powerful mystic, whom scriptures refer to as Maya. I get tricked every time I try to take a step closer to Krishna. I am expertly cheated to believe that I am advancing towards Krishna but later I realize I am not.
I am shackled by the tight ropes of propensity to enjoy the illusionary relations ... I am wounded by the offenses I am committing to devotees ... I am weak. Shackled for ages, drenched with toxic offenses I am now stinking.
But as I look around I find an effulgent personality with Saffron Robes, gracefully breaking the shackles of prisoners with the saw of His mercy and helping them escape this brothel. They are falling flat on His feet and paying their Humble Obeisances - crying the tears of gratitude - vande guru sri charanaravindam ... vande guru sri charanaravindam ...
As I see His face in the thin ray of light shining through the darkness, I recognize Him. He was the personality - who taught and guided me to serve Krishna and please Krishna - during my days in our abode. He is my eternal guide. I humbly surrender and cry and beg for His merciful glance to fall upon me. I am trying to scream out loud -
ekaki amara, nahi paya bala,
tumi kripa kori’, sraddha-bindu diya,
But I am too feeble, I am too weak, I am too dizzy with the drugs and wounds of offenses, lying on the corner of a dark alley, I think He is not able to hear or see me. Or is He ignoring me with dejection? I sincerely pray again to Krishna may His messager glance His mercy on me, once again, for only if He mercifully breaks me free and drag me home, will I ever escape this horrible world.
Trying to become chaste and free, once again
Desperately want to meet My beloved Husband, whom I cheated all these lives
Desperately want to Serve Krishna once again under the guidance of my beloved eternal Spiritual Guide.
Just another Jiva.
Everyone should perfectly understand that Kṛṣṇa is the real husband of all living entities, who are described in the Bhagavad-gītā as prakṛti (female), not puruṣa (male). In Bhagavad-gītā, only Kṛṣṇa is addressed as puruṣa.
Srimad Bhagvatam 5.18.19